How Not To Have A Friendship
by Artika
Summary: AKA Dear Severus. Lily sends a letter to Severus to tell him she is marrying James. AU. Rated for safety and adult themes and ideas.
1. Dear Severus

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Anything you recognize belongs to JK Rowling. Thank you.

Dear Severus,

I'll never forget the first time I truly saw you. You hadn't yet noticed me and were reading under a tree. Your face was so peaceful as you read, like your concentration wasn't being taxed whatsoever by the text. I so rarely saw that face. You always concentrated on me. But there, thinking yourself alone, I saw the boy you were and the man you were to be. Quiet, studious, intelligent, opinionated. Not unlike myself in many ways.

Then again, that is what brought us here. Our similarities. The friendship we once had. Childhood notions that were so beautiful, yet so naive. At times, I wonder why we even tried. Did you feel it too? We were doomed from the start.

I know you think I don't remember - or you hope that I will not remember, when we were fifteen and you kissed me...my cheek, at least. I regret running instead of facing you. The things going through my head at that moment were terrifying me. Not only did I want you to kiss me, but I wanted you to want me. But you were my best friend. That relationship was so important to me, I was afraid to risk it. My first reaction was that it didn't happen, Sev. So I left. I needed time to think about it...you shocked me. Plus, I had never kissed a boy--I was nervous. I did not want to leave you there and I am sorry I did. By no means, did I deserve to be called _mudblood_ for it!

I cared so deeply for you. I was so tired of holding it in. I still am. I miss you.

So with my broken heart and your nasty slur in my ears, I turned to the first open arms available. How ironic that it was James Potter. Well, maybe not. My close relationship with you caused me to sometimes neglect my other friendships and you must realize who paid me the most attention (at the time) besides yourself. You pushed us together, Sev. Don't beat yourself up for it. There are plenty of worse men I could have selected, even by your standards. Besides, one of you had to win the war. I am sorry it wasn't you, though.

Remember that one night seventh year? I was patrolling and caught you out walking alone. You didn't apologize profusely as before, but were kind and friendly with me. My guard came down and there was a lull in the conversation. I remember looking into your face and I was surprised at how thin, how pale you were. Your dark eyes were sparkling and just the ends of your mouth was turned up in an almost smile.

"Can I show you something?" you asked me, grabbing my hand.

I shrugged, trying to be cool about all of it, and we set off down the hall. You grabbed a tapestry and we slipped behind it. It was so dark, there was no difference between eyes open and shut. You grabbed me and pulled me against you. You felt so thin.

"Sev, I--"

You interrupted and I know you had thought of this line in advance. "Will you scream if I kiss you?"

The question startled me. It was both cute and enticing. Especially there in the dark. My fingers found your face by moving up your neck and your hands went to my face and you kissed me. You lips were thin, but moved in an interesting manner I have never encountered before (as if only one other man could be considered vast experience). No one else has ever held me the way you did. Your hands tightly holding me against you as you leaned against the wall. It must have been awkward for you, but you never complained, just held me tight and kissed me. Thank you.

That moment was so cute, so erotic...I can't help but think of that stolen moment over and over. Your hand under my robe, rubbing my lower back under my shirt, while the other held me against your lean body. I missed you then so much, it must have been evident in the way I kissed you.

I don't know if you chose the darkness for it's ability to hide us or it's ability to hide you from me, but I wish I could have seen your face. I would like to think you would have been happy, but I would bet you would have been sad. It would be difficult to part after spending such intimate moments together. At the time, I did not think of that. I was thinking, why did we never do this before?

Because we are both too stubborn, too proud.

Another similarity.

I hope you understand then, when I mention the last time we met. Without the threat of Hogwarts looming, the summer felt strange. I wasn't sure if I would run into you around the neighborhood or what, but eventually I did. It was the hottest day of the summer and I had run through our sprinklers before heading for the river to read. Honestly, I think deep inside, I was hoping to see you, as it was far warmer by the river than inside my house. That day, when I saw you, I was so nervous I thought I might throw up. You seemed so cool and calm. That made me angry. Like you didn't care.

So I lashed out. "What do you want?" I asked you and I knew that I was being stupid and petty and immature. You just looked at me, unintimidated, and sat beside me. It was not "our" tree, but it felt familiar all the same.

"By now you realise the situation," I said softly, maybe hoping to atone for the bad attitude displayed before. "I still miss you."

You weren't speaking, but grasped my hand and held it, rubbing my knuckles, exactly the way I showed you when we were ten. It felt quite nice. Honestly, Sev, it wasn't like I needed a seduction scene.

But you shut me up with a sweet kiss and we tangled together under the tree. I know I was the first woman to let you make love to her. I'll always have that. I own a piece of you. I own something that was a part of you until you were eighteen years old. How fitting. Those years belonged to me anyway.

So yes, we both know it was not my first time, but it was good by any standards and thanks to my patience and your desire to please, I think we managed quite well. Too bad it was only once. Please feel free to try the things you learned with me on whomever you desire. I would like to think you can learn something from me besides how not to have a friendship.

On that note, I must tell you something you will not want to hear. I do not praise your sexual prowess (above) because of what I tell you. I have no regrets about that afternoon and I truly hope you don't either.

I am marrying James.

My empathic powers tell me you are unhappy. I am sorry. I wish I could split myself and make you both happy. I have no desire to hurt you. I want you happy. I want you smiling and loved and full of life. Please. Forget me. For the love of our shared past, let me go.

It kills me to write this because I love you and miss you and need you, but you need to forget me, Severus.

Love,

Lily


	2. Dear Lily

Dear Lily,

I have read your letter a few times now and I think I understand. That is what you want, isn't it? For me to understand. Now that I have heard your side, I believe it is only fair if you hear mine. It will not be pleasant for either of us, but you began this and you will see it's fulfillment.

The very first thing I noticed about you was your hair. The color was so beautiful, so natural. My first thought upon first seeing you was that it was magic. I had never seen hair the color of fall leaves or sometimes it was more like strawberries. There were so many variations in it, it was like looking into fire...mesmerizing. If you and I were a color, it might be red, but I think it would be green.

Of course, the second thing I noticed was your eyes. Green as grass or a flawless emerald held to a bright light. I can measure moments in my life by my visions of those eyes. There was wonder in them when we first talked about magic. Laughter during our friendship and different combinations of anger and lust after our friendship was over. That was not all I saw, of course, but it would take far too many pages to describe my memories of your eyes, dear Lily.

I remember vividly the first time I wanted to kiss you. It was my thirteenth birthday. I had just had a growth spurt and was taller than you for the first time. When we met by the river, you hugged me. As few hugs as I'd experienced at the time, this one blew me away. I was not expecting it. You wrapped your arms around my chest and pressed your face against me and I put my arms around your shoulders. You felt so small next to me. And you no longer noticed when I smelled your hair thanks to my new height. Yes, that is me admitting something secret. Don't tell.

The fact that it took me two years to get up the courage to actually try to kiss you should say something. If you have ever doubted my patience, then consider I waited another two years after that to actually kiss you.

I think of our twenty minutes behind the tapestry probably more often than you do. That was a good day. I had received excellent marks on a test and I felt ready for my next exam. I went looking for you without thinking. In hindsight, I think I was happy and so, my unconscious went looking for the one person I would want to share my happiness with. I will have to watch that from now on.

I care not if you choose to ever tell your future spouse about us. It would give me boasting rights if he were to know. He will, however, not hear of it from me. I will protect your secrets with my life. I suppose that one is our secret though.

Dear, dear Lily. If words could express my feelings for you, this would be far easier. However, let me say I have always cared for you in a way unknown to me before you came along. You are unlike anyone I have ever met, or likely ever will. I think you may have been taking pity on me that last time we met, but I cannot hate myself for what we did. As wrong as I know it was, as painful as it is knowing I will never again touch you so deeply, I can't help but think it was worth it. It takes but the scent of the river or a visit to that tree to revisit the ecstasy I felt there. I can still feel the velvet of your skin under my fingers and your hot breath on my earlobe. I miss you and at this very moment, the ache is more real than it has been in some time.

You see, my feelings for you run so deep they are there under everything else. When you get scared, who do you long to comfort you? When you are in bed, trying to sleep and need to think of something pleasant, what do you think of? Or whom? I suppose it goes without saying what I think of. You are in the warm center of my being...my heart, as they say.

When we "tangled under the tree" as you so eloquently put, do you remember what I said?

We were, indeed, tangled, side by side, topless, legs woven together so our hips were pressed onto each other's legs. You had your hands on my lower back, pressing me toward you while you pressed back against my leg. Your lips were hot and wet on mine and I had my hands in your hair, fingers pressed to your head. That was _the _most erotic moment of my life.

Until you opened your mouth. "This feels so right."

I agreed with you, but it sounded so good to hear it from your lips. I would have been satisfied to leave things there. After all, as you stated, I was and am inexperienced with women. Thank you for attempting to stroke my ego, but it is not necessary. Some things cannot be faked and your reactions to me said plenty. While the moans, sighs and your obvious acquiescence in the events were incredible and better than I could have imagined; it was the response of your body to mine that fascinated me.

Your lips swelling slightly, as mine must have as well. Your eyes, when not closed, were heavily lidded and sort of glassy. Your cheeks were flushed, bringing more beautiful red to your face. Your swollen, darkened nipples and the slick, hot wetness I slid my fingers into. That could not be faked.

I digress. You were not very subtle in your attempts to hurt me. Or are you simply trying to drive the point home?

I have done what you asked so many times. Every time, I was glad to do it, even if I didn't want to do it. I know now that is what love is. Giving, giving, giving, without considering what you might get in return. Maybe this is not a huge realisation for you, but it was for me. So, I may or may not continue to love you Lily. Time will tell. I don't foresee a change in my feelings any time soon. I have easily proven to you I can love you without you near. So this is one thing I cannot promise. I will keep your secrets. I will protect you with my life. But I cannot forget you.

And so, with memories of your delicately freckled white legs wrapped around me--your lips on mine--our bodies moving as one, I will carry on. I can do nothing else.

I have no doubt you will be a beautiful bride, Lily.

Eternally,

Severus

A/N: Because "Always" as the sign off seemed a bit too obvious. :) Thanks to the reviewers for reminding me of this story--I kinda like it.


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